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Boscow, Russia - Fanatical Christians and Members of The Universal Order of The
Traditional Biscuit have joined forces in an uneaasy alliance to protest vigorously outside a factory
manufacturing 'blasphemous biscuits', as one disgruntled Christian described
their new range of ecumenically inspired Special Edition Biscuits. 'Is nothing sacred?', he moaned, before launching into a tirade on why
listening to him would guarantee endless happiness and possibly a large pile
of twenty three small gems, each as precious as twenty three small piles of large gems. 'Because it says so in the Bible', he ranted before running off and annoying
everybody else in earshot.
He was later seen discussing the finer points of religious dogma with a
potato, but the potato seemed unconvinced with his arguments.
Members of The Order of The Traditional Biscuit were up in arms for a
totally different reason, although their behaviour was as random as their
Christian Comrades.Was.
Their spokesperson and General President Harold Custard - 'This makes a
mockery of customary biscuits such as traditional non-denominational hobnobs
and secular crackers. Biscuits have traditionally been a favourite
accompaniment to tea by members of all religions. and to imply that biscuits
were favoured by figures in one religion rather than all the others, (and
their sects) another is simply adding fuel to the fire of religious hate
currently fashionable across the planet. I may only make biscuits for a
living, but in them I see a representation of the multitude of possibilities
for universal harmony present within the dimension we have subconsciously
sought for ourselves. Biscuits are better than drugs, but don't mix
them with religion!'.
A spokesperson from the biscuit factory was unavailable for comment when
reporters called, but when our reporter returned later with a gun, he
admitted to not understanding the protesters' aims - 'Deciding to finally
manufacture these biscuits has taken several years of market research, from
which we concluded that the majority of people in the country would note
mind eating biscuits influenced by religion, and 23% of those surveyed said
they would prefer them to the boring ones they were used to eating. We chose
hobnobs for Our Lord because, like Him, but not like some biscuits currently
on the market, they give us the faith that they can be dipped into a cup
of tea and not get all soggy and fall in and ruin your day. We chose
crackers for Pilate because he was.'
Curiously enough, in other breaking biscuit news, top biscuit scientists
working in a secret laboratory on materials excavated from Jerusalem have
found fossilised hand sized tablets that on carbon dating have revealed a
molecular structure similar to that of a primitive digestive.
To congratulate them on their success, they have received a large grant
from an unknown benefactor to further their research into the possibility
that the Ten Commandments were etched in biscuit.
Dates wrong!
Cheeaz, Greece - Unbelieving residents of Cheeaz woke last
Monday thinking it was Friday, Tueasday thinking they were on Mars, and
Sunday wondering if they thought they were thinking they were still thinking
about things they should have thought a long time ago, and whether they had
thought enough about them long enough now, or needed to think some more.
Police are investigating nothing because they can't be
bothered.
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Ilkley, UK - Growing fears
over the death of the traditional British Sunday roast dinner slab of
meat, and consequent inevitable decline of the butchering business as
increasing numbers of vegetarian shoppers boycott butchers shops have
prompted one local butcher to fight back in quite a bizarre manner. His name? George Pintabitter. We
spoke in the back room of his dingy shop, whose fortunes he hopes to
resurrect by selling vegetarian meat products, produced by slaughtering
vegetarians who stray near his shop and repackaging them in bits. 'I'm
fed up of vegetarians telling me not to kill things then sell their meat.
I eat meat all the time and I'm not mad!', he laughed madly, before continuing.
'It's a jungle out there, and that means eat or be eaten. If you were as
big as a chicken, and a chicken was as big as you, believe me, he'd have
you rather than a pile of seed any day of the week.' 'It's
become a case of Too many vegetarians spoiling the broth and REALLY
pi*sing me off with their puniness - this way we can keep a control on the
amount of vegetarians in the country and also produce meat that has
not been farmed in inhumane conditions. In the long run, this way is much
more humane than having to undertake a mass cull when we discover that
vegetables are in danger of becoming extinct because vegetarians
don't eat much else. Mr
Pintabitter had a pastie and chips, then made these final chilling
observations. 'Eating a vegetarian would be the ultimate
fantasy meal for carnivores the world over, and the
recent case in Germany where that bloke ate that other bloke has set a
precedent. My website www.eat-a-vege.com
has more information, and I have also been looking on ebay for vegetarians
who, for some reason or other wish to be cut into steak or chops and
eaten, to
get in touch. For a vegetarian, it would be quite an ironic and novel way in which to go, and there are
certainly worse ways to go out
there.' When we asked if he could name any he said he
couldn't. Aliens Do
Not Exist - It's Official! Florida, USA - A
leaked report from the NASA archives points to a glaring error on the part
of a NASA cleaning lady leading to the worlds biggest fallacy - the Aliens
haven't arrived - Allen has! Red faced officials admitted
in a press conference attended by news crews from all over the world that
an unnamed employee was speaking with a colleague to inform him that Allen
had arrived with the pizzas they had ordered for lunch - a cleaning lady
heard 'Allens here!' as 'Aliens! Here!', and within 10 minutes, half the
population of the world was wondering what the aliens would look like and
whether they brought probes. When asked about the existence
of Hangar 18 and the alien autopsy film it was revealed that Allen Smiths
house was affectionately referred to as Hangar 18 because he was a modeling
enthusiast and had lots of models of airplanes in his house - 18 of them,
to be exact. And the alien autopsy is one of those
films that aren't really there, but you see what looks like an alien
because you expect it, or something like that. Magic
Lamp create Sci-Trance Somewhere,
UK - Magic Lamp scientists have announced results of research conducted at
the now legendary MushRoom - the bands ultra hi-tech sensory facility
located in the UK but in a dimension 23 degrees South of this one. They
have been working at splicing the genetic material from various organic
sources together into a cohesive danceable life form - music that continues
to evolve and get better even if its still on the shelf! They
call it Sci-Trance - The Collision of Science
and Trance, and it's going to be bigger than the biggest thing you can
think of to the power of none. Times infinity. Initial
testing on hippies has proved positive so far, and the band are currently
coagulating their forms in preparation for a summer of spreading Sci-Trance
across the cosmos like fruity squiggly jam on a solid, beats driven bread
base. They're out there. |
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If you feel like going to bed, wait for
five minutes, just to be sure. Your mind often plays tricks.
Socks before shoes, and not the other way round.
Protons, neutrons and electrons make up an atom. We are
all made of the same kinds of atoms, but some are more dense than others. Some
are more dense still.
A pinch of salt makes a good pretend pile of gems for
any ants playing King Solomon's Mines.
Use the word 'The' more often. That way it will
increase in popularity.
Water has many uses, including putting out fires,
watering plants and being in the sea. And the sky.
Your day will be quite good if good things happen to
you, but might not be that bad if they don't. A moderate day is better than
a bad one.
A hat maketh the man.
Have you done your homework?
Nibble a little, then a lot. Never nibble too much.
If you are unhappy think how much unhappier you would feel with a big
boot up the arse, and be grateful you don't. Have a big boot up the arse.
Never do something that doesn't exist, especially if it
offers to pay.
Sun
fed up of shining
Space, Far Away - Reports coming in from
our roving solar reporter Ed Crisp suggest that our Sun has become
disgruntled and unhappy with its working conditions and is threatening to
strike.
Solar spots on the Suns surface have been
decoded using the Magic Lamp Integral Matter Translator into English, the
gist of which is given below -
'Puny humands! I'm bored of sitting here
and shining all the bloody time. It seems to be all I've ever done - I've
never been to the pictures or to a club or sitting on a beach, and thats not
on. None of us are getting any younger and I've only got a few thousand
years to go - bring me beer that I may forget the eons of burning I have
done - I feel like your arse does after a curry, only I feel it ALL THE
TIME! And bring some chickens.'
Get on the emailing list to get The Lamp sent directly
to your domicile by sending an email HERE
Weather Data
supplied by The Magic Lamp Space Centre Outlook
- Lots of suns in the east, followed by showers of shower attachments
and frogs. West will experience the reverse of the opposite direction in
small patches, while North and South will float further apart then come back
for a while, then stop. The
bottom will be wet. |
